Moving forward, I knew I had to get three things done. The first and most urgent thing I had to do was to figure out what I was going to do for work after my internship officially ended. Around this time, I spotted a flier at a 24 Hour Fitness that advertised a personal training certification workshop called Training Made Fun. I was curious about it, especially since I particularly enjoyed teaching students from Epic Movement about nutrition and weightlifting as avenues to better health. The day after I heard about my Epic Movement application, I called Training Made Fun and drove down to San Diego to attend the weekend workshop. The workshop was very enjoyable for me, and I began to prepare for the Personal Training Certification Test, administered by the National Exercise and Sports Trainers Association. Because I really wanted to master the material, I gave myself almost six months to prepare for the test, which I would take in late October.
The second thing I needed to do was to resolve the conflict with Alfred. Because he had been one of my references, I had a strong hunch that Alfred had decided not to recommend me for continued work with Epic Movement. Of course, Alfred had every right to determine how he honestly felt about my performance at work. What really irked me, however, was that I felt that he was not clear and up-front with me about his feelings. Alfred had given me the impression that I could still work for Epic if I improved my ability to work well with my team. I was finally able to get a hold of Alfred and to ask him about my application. He acknowledged that we had always had a great relationship with each other, yet he knew about my issues with the strong personalities on the team. He finally admitted that, in the end, he had recommended that I not continue with Epic beyond the end of my last intern year. He said that he had had a struggle in figuring out the right balance of truth and grace on this issue. I told him that I wished he had told me that he did not feel comfortable recommending me. He was shocked and told me that that was a very bold thing to ask of him. I replied by saying that, while hearing his true opinion would have been painful, I would much rather have known the truth. If I had known much earlier about the severity of my problem with my team, perhaps I would have started counseling much sooner. He finally apologized, which went a long way towards restoring our relationship.
The third thing I needed to do was to deal with the immense shame that I was feeling as a result of Epic Movement’s rejection. In a TED talk from University of Houston research professor Brené Brown, I had learned that shame thrives in three conditions: silence, secrecy, and judgment. I knew that trying to hide the fact that I had been rejected was not going to do me any good. Instead, I decided to be open about it, starting with my closest friends. Eventually, I would become more open about it and share it with the rest of my team, as well as anyone else who was willing to listen. So far most of the people who have heard about it have been very empathetic and encouraging, and for that I am grateful.