July 2015 was my last month with Epic Movement; I would receive my final paycheck on the 1st of August. My two main objectives now were to work through counseling and to study for the Personal Training Certification Test. My counselor recommended that I go on two men’s retreats that he himself had participated in in the past. At first, I was very reluctant to go. The retreats would be an intense, emotional experience and I would have to be very vulnerable around people that I did not really know if I wanted to get the most out of it. Coming out of them, however, I felt liberated, enlightened, and empowered. I was still ashamed of the anger and fear I had locked up inside me, but being able to viscerally express those feelings and still feel loved did wonders for me.
On October 26, 2015, I took the Personal Training Certification Test and passed with a score of 92%. In mid-November, I was hired as a personal trainer with 24 Hour Fitness. Things seemed to finally be turning around for me. There was one catch: I knew that sales would be a part of my new job. I know that lots of people hate sales, but I realized that developing the ability to sell myself as a trainer was critical to my success, whether I liked it or not. I thought that I would be able to get the hang of it pretty quickly. It helped to learn that the people who make the most money in sales are those who actually care about their customers. As the weeks and months went by, however, I found that I was having trouble getting clients. My credit card debt started piling up. I was getting better at my job and more comfortable with sales, but not quickly enough to pay for my living expenses.
April 2016 was a rough month for me. Financially, I was in a pretty bad situation, and it did not seem like I was going to get a sudden windfall of clients at 24 Hour Fitness anytime soon. One Sunday at church, I heard a guest speaker share her experiences working as a campus minister. She admitted that campus ministry does not pay a whole lot, but she enjoys it so much that it makes the low pay worthwhile. When I heard that, I started swelling up with anger, sadness, and frustration. For the first time in my life after becoming a follower of Jesus Christ, I was furious with God. It had been a year since I had been rejected from Epic Movement and here I was, still at loose ends, still unable to make a proper living. In the midst of all this, why did God have to rub in my face all that I had lost?
March was supposed to be my last month of counseling, but Don graciously gave me an extra month of sessions for free to help me work through my anger towards God. I had so much rage towards Him that I did not know what to do with it. Don gave me an assignment: to write a lamentation letter to God. I was encouraged to use any language that I felt was necessary to express my emotions. Don invited me to read that letter out loud in one of our sessions. I screamed at God, calling him a twisted piece of ****.